How A Non-Believer Faces Death

My mother became seriously ill back in May. As she was 95 this was a real concern and of course my sister and I immediately thought that this must be the beginning of the end for our mother.

My mum had packed an overnight bag and phoned for an ambulance herself after she started haemorrhaging. After waiting in A&E for several hours she was eventually misdiagnosed as having an infection. High doses of powerful antibiotics were then pumped into her intravenously for the next ten days, the back of her hands a mass of angry bruises from all the cannula inserted into them.

It wasn’t until after ten days that a doctor – she saw a different one every day – decided that as the antibiotics seemed only to be making her worse, she might not have an infection at all. He sent her for an internal scan which revealed she had suffered an internal rupture that had caused the haemorrhaging. The rupture had however begun to heal itself and consequently, though she was very ill from the effects of the antibiotics, she was discharged. It looked very much like she had been sent home to die.

The antibiotics it turned out had damaged her stomach and intestine and had seriously impaired her kidney function. Her own doctor took her off all medication to give my mother’s body a chance to heal itself. It seemed an unlikely prospect given her age and condition. By this time my mother was tired and weary of the whole process and prepared herself to die. She willed it on, in fact, unable to cope with the pain and the failure of her digestive system. When I visited her, she spoke a lot about wanting life to be over.

She was realistic about the life she had had, feeling that overall it had been good – though it was not without problems and heartache – and said she would have liked it to continue a little while longer. She was ready though to embrace oblivion and willed herself not to wake up each time she fell asleep. She made peace with her death, which to some extent helped my sister and me come to terms with it too. All the same, I couldn’t believe this was the end of my mum, a significant and loving presence in my life for all of my 71 years.

I tell you all this to emphasise just how a non-believer faces their extinction. Not with pleas to a God who isn’t there but realistically, unsentimentally, stoically. I could only admire my mother’s bravery and hope I’ll show the same courage when my time comes. The old saw that there are no atheists in fox holes is just that: a meaningless and vaguely offensive cliché.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My mother didn’t die. After a few agonising weeks she began slowly to recover; very slowly. Her doctor’s gamble and her own deep-set determination allowed her to turn a corner. She began to eat again; an extremely limited diet and a trial and error process that often made her ill again, but gradually she began to put on weight again. Eventually she became mobile again; limited to be sure, but a start. She began to take an interest in the world again and to watch TV. She said though that she was worried abut recovering because she couldn’t face going through the process of dying all over again.

I stayed with her for 3½ weeks last month so my sister who lives nearer her could take a holiday. My mother began to make her own breakfast and lunch again and to take small walks outside. The steely resolve that had prepared her for death and also helped her recover, now set her on a course of regaining her independence again. This is where she is at now, making progress still, pushing herself to do more. How much time she has left, no-one knows. Of course it’s likely to be short, given her age, but it will be a gift however long, however brief. And I suspect she won’t have to go through the process of dying again. But more on that next time.

We Want You As A New Recruit

But what if I don’t want to be one? What if I don’t want to join you in your fantasy bubble? What if I’ve tried Christianity and found it incredibly disappointing? You’ll tell me no doubt that was my fault because I wasn’t part of the right church or didn’t have the indwelling Holy Spirit or didn’t have a proper relationship with Jesus. And you’d probably be right, given the Holy Sprite and Bejabus are figments of the imagination. Which is why I’m no longer a Christian, and why I will not be recruited to your cause ever again.

Why do Christians think they have to recruit anyway? They’ll give you all sorts of reasons from ‘the great commission’ of Matthew 28:18-20, to wanting to save your soul from an eternity of hell. I’m not convinced these are the real reasons. i think they want to convert you because they’re insecure. ‘Look’, they’re saying, ‘I’m part of this ridiculous movement and I feel quite insecure about it. I’m not sure it’s for real and I need you to join me to make me feel I’ve made the right choice.’

It’s the same with all the fringe groups that exist in Western society today. From Veganism to Just Stop Oil, Trans-activism to groups that want to rehabilitate the urban rat (I kid you not), I’m really quite happy for those who want to give up meat, stop using oil, identify as whatever they like and embrace rodents they think have had a bad press. But such people cannot and should not expect me, and society at large, to do the same.

I’m not convinced. Having reviewed the available evidence (in the shower) I find that I don’t want to give up what little meat I eat. The human body has evolved to eat, and indeed to need, meat. Plus, the vegans I know are among the unhealthiest people on the planet.

Immature Just Stop Oilers haven’t given up oil themselves of course. They publish their hysterical nonsense on devices made of plastic made of oil. They still travel to art galleries to vandalise beautiful works of art in modes of transport that require oil in some form. They promote electric cars and wind turbines, both of which require oil in their construction and operation. Just Stop Oilers have yet to show how ceasing to use oil with immediate effect is going to save us and the environment, rather than just taking us back to the living standards of the 17th century. So, no, I won’t be joining or supporting their cause and will not, because as things stand is impossible to do so, give up using what little oil I do use.

Nor will I be joining the Trans-movement or campaigning on behalf of it. Nor will I be cancelling those who raise objections. I’ve no problem with those who genuinely feel they are the opposite sex and quietly get on with doing something about it. But I cannot and will not accommodate aggressive testosterone-driven men in women’s clothing who are hell bent on usurping women’s rights. That is not what Trans is about.

As for the urban rat… are these people serious? They insist rats are not vermin even though they’re known to carry 35 diseases that are dangerous to humans, many fatal. Try asking those who think they’re lovely and cuddly whether they’d be happy eating in a restaurant with a rat infestation in its kitchens. Ask them if they’d like a colony hunkering down in their spare room. I wouldn’t, so I won’t be signing up to welcome the urban rat into my life any time soon.

And so it is with God. Please don’t waste your time telling me how lovely and cuddly he is. Don’t tell me how much he loves me and wants me to identify as one of his own. Don’t tell me I should give up living the life I live and love, so that I can be with him forever. As with all the causes that humans are prone to inventing, the evidence simply isn’t there. Leave me be and keep your insecurities to yourself.

It’s A Small World After All

Life Is Meaningless.

Or is it? I’ve long held the view that life is as meaningful or meaningless as we’re prepared to make it. There is no hidden meaning lurking somewhere out there, certainly not in some holy book, that we can plug into, if we’re so inclined, to make us feel better. This lack doesn’t make our individual lives meaningless. I’ve never understood the assertion that we need a life beyond this one to make it meaningful. Nor does the bizarre notion that this existence is merely a trial run for the real life that comes once this one is over. Why did the incomprehensible god who supposedly created us in this scenario not make us perfect from the get go and ‘fit us to live with him’ in heaven? It’s illogical that he would not.

Years ago when I was younger and a newly minted atheist, my then wife and I took our young children to Disneyland Paris. Apart from an argument with Snow White about Dumbo (some other time) I had a moment’s revelation as we waited in line for It’s A Small World After All. I realised how much like life this was: queue interminably before getting on the ride, spend a relatively short time on it before being ejected into the void. This, I realised was life, or a close approximation of it. ‘Wait’ for eons to be born, make the most of the brief ride that follows, and accept that after it stops you will in all probability cease to exist. It’s not a bad deal. Better than not experiencing It’s A Small World (if that’s your thing) or indeed life at all.

My life has meaning, as does yours. If it’s not apparent, it’s certainly workoutable. In fact, part of life’s purpose is to work out what that purpose is for yourself. For me it’s in my relationships, with my partner, my children, my grandchildren (so much love there), my friends; in the things I spend my time doing: travelling, learning, writing, volunteering; in my work, when that was a thing for me. If you can’t find meaning in these kind of things, it doesn’t mean there is a meaning elsewhere; find it where you are. If you need to feel it lies beyond, in a supernatural realm, you are only going to be disappointed; imaginary realms cannot give you purpose. They can mask the fact you have failed to make meaning in your life, but they cannot plug the black hole of meaninglessness if that’s what you’ve created for yourself. Neither can that black hole be plugged by Jesus or any other imagined being. A nothing filled up with nothing is still just nothing.

No, this life is not a rehearsal for a better one that is to follow. Even if it was, there is no meaning in the promise that you will be allowed to spend eternity worshipping a capricious God. There’s no purpose in that. Far better to take what is real to you in the brief time chance has allowed you in the light, and recognise it as your meaning and purpose.

Conscious Survival

The sharp-eyed among you will have noticed I hedged my bets in my post, ‘It’s A Small World After All’, when I wrote that ‘after the ride stops you will in all probability cease to exist.’ Really the line should have read, ‘after the ride stops you will cease to exist,’ without ‘in all probability’. I’d like my existence (yours too) to continue beyond death. I don’t mean merely in my children and grandchildren’s memories, I mean in some real sense. Me, still existing somewhere. I’m not in any state of anxiety about this black hole of nothingness, because I know my continued existence is highly unlikely to happen. But still…

I wonder if any of you watched Star Trek: Deep Space Nine back in the early 1990s. There was a character in it called Odo, played by the late René Auberjonois. Odo was a shape shifter whose day-to-day appearance mirrored that of the humanoids around him, but not quite. In one episode, Odo returned to his home planet where he assumed his true form of viscose fluid, and merged with a planet-wide pool of his own kind. In this state he became one with everyone else while maintaining, it was suggested, his own identity.

I liked this idea very much. It seemed to me that an after-life could be like this, one in which we merge back into the great consciousness without quite losing our own identity. It was a pleasant fantasy, one shared I suspect by whichever Star Trek writer envisaged Odo’s existence as being like this.

Recently I read Dan Brown’s latest, The Secret of Secrets (not his best) where, lo and behold, the same idea pops up again. Brown makes much of the idea that our sentience is drawn from a consciousness that exists separately from our physical bodies. According to this philosophy, after we die, the consciousness we have drawn down and made use of, continues as part of the greater consciousness ‘out there’, while retaining a sort of impression of us while we were alive. This sounded like so much Dan Brown hokum, even though he is at pains to stress that there is some research evidence for it. He’s right, there is, though it is problematic (as he acknowledges.)

Noetic science as it’s called proposes ‘non-local’ consciousness that some evidence suggests continues after our individual deaths. The problem is of course that much of this evidence is anecdotal and difficult, if not impossible, to replicate scientifically. What sort of rigorous experiment could be constructed to determine whether, when an individual dies, his or her consciousness continues? Hence the reliance on reports of near-death and out of body experiences and the significance of dreams and shared existential, spiritual states.

Still, it’s a nice idea and much more inviting than those after-life promises made by religions that are dependent on believing the right things, debasing ourselves in front of imagined deities and attaining a degree of righteousness in this life. How religions have tied up access to the after-life, if there is one, with all their ludicrous terms and conditions! Maybe it’s as simple as our consciousness continuing from wherever it is it actually exists. Or maybe not.

Showing Off

We interrupt this blogcast to bring you breaking news of shenanigans in the wonderful, wacky world of religion.

There’s been a kerfuffle here these last few days after Muslims gathered in Trafalgar Square to engage in mass prayers (that’s mass as in ‘3,000 men‘, not Mass as in the cannibalistic ritual beloved of Catholics.) This was not well received by many in the capital with a number of politicians on the right questioning whether it was really the Good Thing the Muslim mayor of London (and number one Donald Trump fan), Sadiq Khan, thought it was. Sadiq is himself is a Muslim and was present at the pray-in, taking selfies with his admirer. One politician who thought this wasn’t kosher (am I confusing things here?) was Nigel Farage – Donald’s real number one fan – who suggested that if he were ever to become Prime Minister (there’s a chance), he would ban ‘performative public prayer’ of the sort witnessed in Trafalgar Square.

This seems to me not an unreasonable proposition given the Quran (Surah Ma’oon, 107:4-7) regards ostentatious public prayer gatherings as not quite the done thing:

So woe to those who pray yet are unmindful of their prayers; those who show off…

Naturally, Christians have waded into the controversy, wailing that should Muslims be stopped from enjoying prayer spectaculars, they too might be prevented from doing the same thing. Some fear carol singing and pushing their faith on others who have no interest whatever in hearing it might similarly be prohibited. Of course, banning public prayer would not, unfortunately, include carol singing or proselytising on account of the fact that neither of these two activities are prayer bonanzas in and of themselves.

The authors of the Bible also seemed to think that ‘performative prayer’ is a no-no. As Jesus’ script writers have him say in Matthew 6:5-6:

And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Let’s not forget that as well as being God incarnate for brainwashed Christians, JC is a prophet in Islam. Both Christians and Muslims are prepared, naturally, to ignore their holy books, their prophets even, when they take to the streets and squares of modern cities ‘to be seen by others’ as they debase themselves in front of imaginary gods. It’s not Nigel Farage who wants to forbid ostentatious public displays of piety. Jesus and Mohammed got there first.

As a post script, can I mention that as an atheist, I find these prayer pantomimes, by whichever brand of the deluded, to be both unnecessary and offensive?

No, I thought not.

Surviving 2026

It’s that time of year when, according to the media, we need to consider what our strategies might be for surviving the 12 months ahead. I thought I’d share with you some of my thoughts along these lines:

1. Have the lowest expectations of politicians that you can muster. That way you’ll only be mildly disappointed when they fail to live up to them.

2. Have a sense of proportion. The universe has existed for 13.8 billion years, the earth for 4.54 billion, life for 3.8 – 3.5 billion, humans for a mere 300,000 years and you for a miniscule fraction of even this final statistic. None of these events has been directed by a sentient power. They are all the result of natural forces. With this perspective you’ll recognise how nonsensical it is to attribute anything to a tribal deity.

3. Reserve your respect for people who merit respect. You do not have to respect those who espouse nonsense and/or don’t respect you. You certainly don’t have to genuflect in front of ideologies, whether religious, philosophical or political. Ideologies are not people.

4. Party like it’s 1999. That way you can pretend the world isn’t being run by septuagenarian megalomaniacs.

5. Resist the Newspeak that is daily foisted upon us. Call a spade a shovel, an Islamist a Muslim, and send the Thought Police packing when they turn up at your door because someone somewhere is offended by something you’ve said, on someone else’s behalf.

6. Spend lots of time with friends. Studies repeatedly show that socialising contributes significantly to living a longer, happier, healthier life. Even talking to strangers helps. I know that other people can sometimes be  challenging (see below) but being with them is, on balance, pleasurable and rewarding. They do you good (and you them).

7. Stop anyone who starts a sentence with ‘Me and partner’. Point out that this is grammatically incorrect and reflects badly on both their education and personal integrity.

8. Read comic books.

9. Take pride in your country. It belongs to you, not just to politicians and billionaires. Other countries quite rightly take pride in their country’s achievements, culture and values. We need to as well. .

10. Write to your MP/Congressperson to tell them what you think of the job they’re doing. Tell them what they should be doing instead, like keeping their promises. Do this while trying not to use swear words.

11. Do something you might not normally do. Keep it legal. Or at least don’t get found out.

12. Question everything, including everything that’s written here.

I hope 2026 turns out to be a great year for you.

There May Be Trouble Ahead…

Prophets, from left to right: Elijah, Julie Stephens,
Cindy Jacobs and er... Ed Miliband

Prophets don’t exist. A bunch of people intoxicated by religious fervour who think God has given them a special message that they must deliver to whoever will listen, are not prophets; they are a collection of extremists intoxicated with religious fervour.

We know this because no God exists. He can’t, as a result, drop messages, special or otherwise, into the heads of fanatics.

That’s it, really. No more to be said.

But so-called prophets exert quite an influence on our modern world. According to Abraham (I know, he’s a mythical figure but bear with me), God selected an ancient Jewish tribe to be his favourite buddies, so long as they did whatever he demanded of them, including hacking off their foreskins and that of their sons. What sort of prophet – what sort of God – comes up with this kind of lunatic fetishism?

Later the creators of a new prophet, whom they called Moses, came up with a story in which their hero encountered God in a bush (the symbolism is lost on us today.) This time he wanted his special buddies to invade their neighbour’s territory, slaughter them and take their land for themselves. This his favourite, de-foreskinned tribe did (modern genetic analysis of the peoples in the region suggests this isn’t what happened.)

After these fictional madmen came some potentially real fanatics who thought God had assigned them to lambast their fellow Jews for their shortcomings. These prophets promised the rubes rewards if they behaved as the prophets thought they should. These guys also came up with the idea that God would send a warrior Messiah to help his special little tribe take over the world. This is what happens when fanatics are allowed to get a hold of things.

A couple of centuries later, another self-proclaimed prophet turned up (or is invented) who seemed to think he’s the most special-est of all the prophets so far. This guy, called Yeshua (meaning ‘salvation’, so obviously not in any way symbolic) prophesied that the Messiah would be arriving real soon to sort the world out. He’d then hand it over to the Jewish people to manage. This guy’s script writers weren’t sure if Yeshua was talking about himself or some other supernatural character called the Son of Man. It doesn’t matter really. Nothing he prophesied happened when he confidently predicted it would: there was no Messiah who flies down from heaven, no final judgment, no great reset for the Earth. He was an absolute failure as a prophet; evidence, if more is needed, that those who claim to speak for God don’t know what they’re talking about. Don’t worry, though, this guy was recast as a resurrected Godman, just like the ones in pagan myths.

A few other prophets appeared around about the same time. In fact, the extremist who changed his name to Paul seemed to think that just about anyone could become one so long as they ‘edified’ the brethren. It was a few years though before the next really big so-called prophet came along.

In the 8th century, a guy called Muhammad said he was told by an angel who represented a different version of God that, amongst other things, Islam would spread worldwide and there would be an increase in senseless murders. These rather nebulous and self-fulfilling predictions are even now coming to pass. Muhammad’s future followers are indeed spreading Islam across the globe while senseless murders continue being committed, a good many of them by Muslims themselves.

While Muslims have made it clear that Muhammad is the final prophet, history has blessed us since with a few more. Joseph Smith in the 1880s was commanded by a different God (or maybe by the same one who’s changed his mind again) to start a new church and to obliterate anyone who stood in his way. He was successful in this enterprise, despite managing to get himself killed in the process.

You’d think, wouldn’t you, that given their abysmal success rate and the number of people who have suffered or perished as a result of their endeavours that we’d have had enough of prophets. While churches cannot agree on whether ‘genuine’ prophecy still exists, the prophets keep coming. Fanatics the world over, every bit as barmy as their predecessors, appoint themselves some deity’s spokesperson, and the ‘prophetic’ pronouncements begin: meaningless theobabble spattered across the Internet.

You don’t have to imagine: there is no Heaven

From an Anonymous commenter:

How do you know there is no Heaven or an afterlife? I have no proof Heaven or an afterlife exists either, but where is your proof that they don’t? I don’t think I will ever understand how atheists can be so certain of something that they can’t prove any more than I can understand fundamentalist Christians who say if you don’t accept Jesus Christ as savior you’re doomed to hell. You’ve got something in common. 

And my response:

Thanks for the comment, Anonymous. I’ve copied it here from the old post you added it to.

First, it isn’t up to those of us who question the existence of things like Heaven to ‘prove’ they don’t exist. It’s up to those who claim they do exist to demonstrate that this is the case. A negative proposition such as ‘there is no Heaven’ or ‘there’s no such thing as unicorns’, can’t be ‘proven’ as such, simply because its impossible to present evidence for a no-thing. A positive assertion, however, such as ‘there is a Heaven’, is theoretically demonstrable. But this particular claim never has been. No one has demonstrated where Heaven is (it has to exist somewhere, right?) No-one has ever returned from Heaven with empirical evidence of its existence. No-one has ever survived death to experience Heaven. No evangelical seems to understand that Heaven is exclusively God’s abode and no human will be resurrected into eternal life until the Final Judgement. That’s the Final Judgement Paul and Jesus said was just round the corner but which has never arrived.   

The problem is worse than this, however. There is so little evidence that a god exists, and even less the Christian God (see my previous post, as well as here and here). If there’s no God – and it is highly likely there isn’t – then all contingent beliefs are wiped out: there’s no Heaven, Saviour, Resurrection, Final Judgement, Hell or Eternal Life.

So this is how I know there is no Heaven: it all comes down to probability. The probability there is a Heaven is so infinitesimally small – its highly improbable in fact – that it’s safe to assume there isn’t one.

Despite first impressions suggesting this view has a lot in common with evangelical belief, I think you’ll find it is actually the opposite. While evangelicals accept on faith that Heaven must exist – because the Bible says so – the fact that its existence is both highly improbable and indemonstrable allows for the 99% certainty that it does not.

Finally, Anonymous, no-one other than mathematicians and lawyers deal in proof. Scientists most certainly don’t: they are concerned with evidence and demonstrating something is or is not the case. You’d do best to drop ‘proof’ from your arguments. Unless you can prove something mathematically, you’re not going to provide or find proof, certainly not when contending with religions. Second, how about giving yourself an online name? Commenting as ‘Anonymous’ suggests you don’t have the courage of your convictions and also adds you to the numerous other Anonymous commenters who pop up on blogs. There’s no way of distinguishing between you.  

   

  

Seek and Ye Shall Find

Thanks to all the Christians who responded to my questions last week. Here’s the answers (in red) they helped me reach.

I asked –

1. What happens to you, as a Christian, when you die:

a) You go immediately to heaven (The Bible says this precisely nowhere)

b) You go into suspended animation until Christ’s coming and the final judgement (Paul implies this is the case in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18. You have to ask yourself how he knew this)

c) You cease to exist (Yup, this is it. So, as Dolly says, better get to livin’)

2. According to the first three gospels, how long was Jesus in the grave?

a) About 36 hours (Friday tea-time till just before sunrise on Sunday. You do the Math)

b) 3 whole days (see above. Despite saying in Matthew 12:40 that this is how long he’d be dead, he fell way short. The fourth gospel, on the other hand, alters the timeline to make things fit)

c) He wasn’t: he went down to hell (according to 1 Peter 4:6 and the so-called Apostles’ Creed this is exactly what he did. Some people are daft enough to believe it)

3. Which of the following does Paul refer to in his letters?

a) Jesus’ miraculous birth (he mentions this zero times)

b) Jesus’ parables, teaching and miracles (likewise; not a single mention)

c) The Empty Tomb (nor this. Don’t you think that’s strange?)

4. How often did Paul refer to Jesus’ second coming?

a) In all of his letters (Nope)

b) 2 or 3 times (Nope)

c) Never (That’s it: not once. Paul looks forward to Jesus coming soon, as if it’ll be his first visit: 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 again. Don’t you think that’s significant?)

5. How often did Jesus refer to his second coming?

a) Once or twice (No)

b) Frequently (Again, no)

c) Never (Yes, never. The fictional Jesus of the gospels says someone called ‘the Son of Man’ would be arriving real soon: Mark 14:62. Occasionally Jesus’ creators suggest he and the Son of Man are one and the same, which they are in that both are fictional)

6. When did Paul say the Messiah would be coming to the Earth?

a) Thousands of years in the future (To hear modern Christians talk you’d think this was it, but no: Paul never said this.)

b) While he himself was still alive (He says clearly that he expected he’d still be alive when Jesus came down from heaven: 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18. How many more times?)

c) He didn’t say (course he did: see above)

8. According to the gospels, when did Jesus say the Son of Man would be coming to the Earth?

a) He didn’t (he did)

b) Thousands of years in the future (Nope)

c) While those he was talking to were still alive (Yes: in Mark 9:1; 13:26 and 14:62)

8. What, according to the Bible, is the Word of God?

a) The Bible itself (‘Fraid not)

b) The Church (No)

c) Jesus (Yes, but not as often as you might think: only in John 1:1-3)

9. Which was written first?

a) Mark’s gospel (made up about 70CE)

b) Paul’s letters (the earliest, in the 50s)

c) Acts of Apostles (invented circa 80-90CE)

10. When the New Testament mentions ‘the Scriptures’, what is it referring to?

a) Ancient Jewish writings (exclusively so)

b) The whole of the Bible as we now know it (the Bible as such probably didn’t exist until the 4th century)

c) The New Testament (there was no New Testament when the writers who would later be included in it were writing. So, no)

11. How did the New Testament writers ‘prove’ Jesus was the Messiah?

a) By claiming the scriptures predicted he would be (Exclusively so)

b) By pointing to his miracles (Never)

c) By quoting things he said (Never)

Now isn’t that odd.

12. According to the Bible, how did Jesus want his followers to spend their time?

a) By witnessing to atheists on the internet (You think?)

b) By worshipping him (Never)

c) By feeding the hungry, healing the sick and helping the weak (This. See Matthew 25:31-46. So why you spending your days and nights harassing non-believers on the Net?)

Actually, no Christian helped out with this. The answers are those that scholars (and I, in my own humble little way) have arrived by actually reading the friggin’ Bible. 

Dear Christian…

I’m seriously considering converting but need some help figuring what I should believe. Can any Christians out there help me out?

1. As a Christian, what will happen when I die? Will I –

a) Go immediately to heaven like my pastor says;

b) Go into suspended animation until Christ’s coming and the final judgement, as it says in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-16;

c) Just cease to exist like my atheist friends tell me?

2. Can you clear up for me how long was Jesus in the grave?

a) Was it about 36 hours (Friday evening till early Sunday morning);

b) Three whole days like he predicts in Matthew 12:40;

c) Was he not really in the grave but down in hell like it says in the Apostles’ Creed?

3. Where can I find information in Paul’s letters about

a) Jesus’ miraculous birth;

b) Jesus’ parables, teaching and miracles;

c) The Empty Tomb?

4. How often did Paul refer to Jesus’ second coming?

a) In all of his letters

b) 2 or 3 times

c) Never

5. Can you tell me how often Jesus referred to his second coming? Was it –

a) Once or twice;

b) Frequently;

c) Never because it was someone called the Son of Man who was going to come?

6. Can you clear up my confusion about when Paul says the Messiah will be coming to the Earth? Is it –

a) While Paul was still alive;

b) Thousands of years later;

c) Any day now?

7. When did Jesus say this Son of Man would be coming to the Earth?

a) He didn’t

b) Thousands of years in the future

c) While those he was talking to were still alive

8. What is the Word of God? I’ve heard the term used for –

a) The Bible

b) The Church

c) Jesus

9. Help me out: which was written first?

a) Mark’s gospel

b) Acts of the Apostles

c) Paul’s letters

10. Can you clarify what it’s referring to when the Bible talks about ‘the Scriptures’?

a) Ancient Jewish writings;

b) The whole of the Bible as we now know it;

c) The New Testament.

11. How does the New Testament writers prove Jesus was the Messiah?

a) By claiming the scriptures predicted he would be;

b) By pointing to his miracles;

c) By quoting things he said

12. How would Jesus want me to spend my time?

a) By witnessing to atheists on the internet;

b) By worshipping him;

c) By feeding the hungry, healing the sick and helping the weak

(I know which I’d prefer.)