Mary: Well, the other Mary and me (Matthew 28.1) were first to go down to the cave where somebody said they’d put the body overnight.
Salome: I was there too, don’t forget (Mark 16.1).
Mary: Were you? I don’t remember that.
Salome: Bloody was, I’m telling you. So were a bunch of others (Luke 24.10).
Mary: Anyway, we get there and the entrance stone has been rolled away (Mark 16.4).
Peter: Wait a minute… I thought you said that happened after you got there. I thought you said there was an earthquake nobody else could feel and an angel came and rolled away the stone in front of your very eyes (Matt 28.2).
Mary: Did I? Oh yes, that’s right. That’s what happened. And the guards fainted out of sheer fright (Matt 28.4)
Thomas: They did? You didn’t mention any guards the first time you told this story (Mark 16.4).
Mary: Didn’t I? I must’ve forgotten. Oh well. And there was this strange young man sitting inside the tomb (Mark 16.5).
Salome: There were two young men and they were standing outside (Luke 24.4).
Mary: Really? I saw only one and he was definitely inside.
Peter: It wasn’t a young man, it was an angel (Mark 28.5).
Mary: Angel? Oh yes, I suppose you’re right. It must have been an angel. And he said the Master wasn’t there, that he’d risen or something (Matt 28.7).
John: That’s funny, I don’t remember anyone being there at this point. I certainly don’t remember anybody speaking to us (John 20.4-5).
Mary: That’s strange, because the young man in the tomb definitely spoke to me.
Salome: And the two men outside the tomb spoke to me.
Peter: And the angel… don’t forget the angel.
Thomas: So what happened then?
Mary: We were so frightened, we just ran away.
Thomas: You ran away? And then what?
Mary: Nothing. We said nothing to anybody (Mark 16.8).
Thomas: You said nothing to anybody. Then how did Peter find out? ‘Cos the next thing he was running hell for leather to the garden to see this empty cave for himself.
Peter: Oh, she must’ve told me. Yes, that was it, she said something to me and some of the others (Luke 24.10).
Mary: Erm, yes, that’s right. I told Peter and he went to see the empty tomb.
Peter. Ran all the way on my own, I did (Luke 24.12).
John: No, you didn’t. I went with you. In fact I overtook you and got there first (John 20.3-6).
Peter: Did you? I don’t remember that. Are you sure you haven’t just added yourself in here?
John: So anyway, we ran to the tomb…
Peter: And we see that the body has gone. I’m telling you, we couldn’t work out what had happened (John 20.9).
John: Though the most logical explanation seemed to be that he’d risen from the dead. I mean nothing else made sense (John 20.8).
Mary: It’s a shame you didn’t see the young man/men/angel. They’d have spelt it out for you like they did for us.
John: Don’t worry, we’ll bring them into the story later and we’ll have two angels for good measure. (John 20.12).
Mary: So while I was waiting there alone…
Thomas: Wait, you were there alone? I thought you said you ran away with the other women (Mark 16.8)?
Mary: Erm, yes, that’s right, I did. I must’ve gone back later just to hang about (John 20.11) and suddenly I see this, like, apparition. At first, I thought it was the gardener…
Thomas: You mean you didn’t know who it was?
Mary: No, I didn’t, which I agree was a bit odd, but then I realised it must be him, the Master, I mean. Who else could it have been?
Thomas: Well, if it was anyone at all, I’d have thought it more likely it was the gardener than a body back from the dead.
Mary: I suppose, but it just felt like the Master to me. I so wanted to see him again.
Thomas: Did he have holes in his hands and a wound in his side (John 20.27)? Surely that would’ve told you it was him.
Mary: Erm, I can’t recall now. But anyway, it was him.
Thomas: How’d you know?
Mary: ‘Cos he spoke to me. He said, ‘Keep your hands off me, woman, because I’ve not yet, erm… ascended’ (John 20.17, 20).
Thomas: What did that mean? If he was back like you said then how come you couldn’t touch him?
Mary: Well, I don’t know, you’d have to ask him.
Thomas: And how we gonna do that, him being dead and all?
Mary: He’s not dead, I tell you, and you’re all just jealous ‘cos I did better than all of you. I saw him in person and he talked to me!
Peter: All of you, just stop a minute and listen. Can you hear it?
Peter: Can you feel it?
Mary: Yes, I can. I can sense his presence (Luke 24.36-37).
John: He’s here with us. He’s back. Hallelujah!
Mary: It’s as if he’s standing right in front of us, talking to us.
John: Yes, that’s exactly what it’s like. He’s here with us. I can feel him. He’s back from the dead, I’m sure of it (John 20.19).
Peter: Let’s tell people we’ve seen him. They’re bound to believe us. I mean, we don’t live in a superstitious first-century backwater for nothing.
Thomas: Jesus Christ! Next you’ll be trying to convince everyone that this cockamamy story is true.