ChristianSpeak™ for Beginners (part two)


Last Days: The previous 2,000+ years. The whole Last Days routine is a reflection of the paranioa/relish promoted by the self-righteous since before Jesus arrived with his ‘good news’ that the end was nigh (Mark 1.15 & Matthew 4.17). The Last Days are, in fact, a permanent state of affairs, the result of believers finding that the world just won’t work the way they want it to.

Lifestyle: Homosexuality. Occasionally applied more broadly to refer to any sex outside traditional marriage.

Marriage: The union of one man and one woman for life (even though this is not actually advocated in the Bible) with the right to divorce when the participants want to. Not the formalisation of loving same-sex relationships. What would become of marriage if that were allowed?

New Age: the disparaging term used to describe any wacky spiritual beliefs that are not of Christian origin (see also ‘pot’ and ‘kettle’).

Outpouring (of the Holy Spirit): Euphoria/hysteria.

Pro-life: Anti-abortion

Pro-marriage: Anti-gay

Pro-family: Anti-abortion and anti-gay

The Rapture: The ultimate high. When Jesus first appears in the sky at his second coming he will use his power of mass-levitation to draw his followers up into the air to be with him. Not all Christians are convinced this will happen, however, even though it’s based on an idea of Paul’s in 1 Thessalonians 4:17.


a) Irritable, prone to jealousy, murderous. As God is all of these, it must be what Christians mean when they say he is righteous.

b) Self-induced feelings of superiority, enjoyed by many Christians. Closely related to ‘hypocritical’.

Slain in the Spirit: the compulsion to fall over while in a state of euphoria and attribute this to the Holy Spirit. A favourite trick of faith healers, it has nothing to do with faith or healing.

A Thousand years: Pretty much the same as a day (see 2 Peter 3.8 again).

The World: Not the Earth or its populations as we might normally refer to them, but unredeemed mankind living in godless societies that do not follow Christ or the Christian way. Also known as ‘normality’. Christian use of the term based on verses such as 1 John 2:15-16.

Adapted from my book, Why Christians Don’t Do What Jesus Tells Them To …And What They Believe Instead. (Available here, here and other Amazon oulets.)

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