A guest post by Clueless’s Reverend Green.

I was thinking of starting a Christian blog. In it I would tell my readers of the gospel of Jesus Christ which is something about him being God but not God and dying for my sins, even though the ‘good news’ he preached himself was altogether something different from this. But never mind, I’d get round this by ignoring Jesus’ own words (or the suspect record we have of them in the gospels) and talk instead about St Paul’s Jesus-replacement, Superman… er, the Christ.

But maybe that would be too complicated for my readers, who, let’s face it wouldn’t be the sharpest cookies in the tool-box. Perhaps I’d be better publishing posts lamenting the state of the world, and the UK and USA in particular, adding to the general despondency that Christians already feel about it, and if we’re honest, have always felt about it (1 John 2. 17-18 etc). Oh yes, make no mistake about it, the devil and his minions are in charge of this world, which is why homosexuals want to get married or want to destroy marriage (or something) and have equal rights to which the Lord says they’re not entitled. In some parts of the world they do anyway – I’ll just ignore the persecution that still goes on elsewhere, unless it’s to gloat about it of course. I’ll publish lots of articles about how evil homos are, because they’re, like, Satanically controlled and want to take over the world. Yes, lots of articles like this, because, you know, it’s really what Christianity is about.

And maybe I can get interviewed on the BBC about it from time to time and very humbly trash homosexuals (I’d refuse to call them ‘gay’) but I’d be careful not to use the kind of language I use on the blog itself, where I’d call them ‘perverts’ or ‘sodomites’, even though I know the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is just that, a story, and isn’t about homosexuality in any case, and that gay people don’t always engage in anal sex. But I won’t let that stand in the way of a good snide comment! And I won’t either, when I’m on the telly, imply that homosexual men like to work with young people, because, you know, they’re always on the look out for more victims, even if I do suggest it on the blog.

But I don’t want it all to be doom and gloom. Most of it, yes, but not all, so I’ll pretend that what I’m really about is changing this world so it’s a much nicer, shinier place that Jesus will want to come back to, to reign forever and smite all those horrible perverts who are a threat to manly heterosexuals like me, on my second marriage-for-life. Though I might not mention this on the BBC either.

I know it doesn’t actually talk about changing the world in the Bible, and Jesus himself didn’t say a word about sodomites (a big mistake); I know too he failed to bring about the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth when he was here, but that’s because it needs a Christian like me with balls, who knows how to use the internet and appears on the BBC sometimes. Before you know it we’ll have what I like to call ‘godly government’ and there’ll be no more sodomites, and me and my mates will be in charge! And I’ll be ever so humble about it.

Oh wait. Hell and damnation! Someone’s beaten me to it.

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